Claiming Your Unique Voice August 25, 2009

Claiming my Unique Voice.
by Monique DeBose

For the longest time, I hid what I really love to do. I mean, people knew I sang, but the true passion and energy I have for this expressive art was often muted by insecurity and feeling ‘not good enough’ yet.

What it means to be a ‘real singer’ has shifted by the season for me. At first, I had it in my head that only little white girls with long blond locks got to get on stage and sing and play. I grew up seeing that. And then I had it in my mind that only large shapely black women who went to church were the ones who could ‘really’ sing. So since I didn’t have either look or sound, I had no hopes of ever truly being a singer. Later, I had it in my mind that I had to be able to riff like my life depended on it like Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey and be hyper sexual like Beyonce in order to be considered the real deal.

I didn’t know about Marian Anderson or Tracy Chapman or Lena Horne during my first seasons of doubt.

There were always reasons I couldn’t claim what I secretly believed was my birthright. There was always a reason I had to hide the elation I was feeling inside when I heard music and felt called to let it out.

I’ve been living in New York this summer, the hotbed for vocal entertainment. I’ve been surrounded by Broadway voices, jazz voices, cabaret voices and soul voices. It’s the mecca of music in my book. I remember a few weeks before coming to New York feverishly drawing up a list of all the ways I could support myself while living here. I shared the list with my mother. She looked at me in astonishment.

‘Monique, aren’t you going to sing while you’re there?’

It never dawned on me to list ‘perform’ as an option for earning money.

That’s a lie.

It did but I’d scratched it off the list before I’d even gotten all the letters down on the page. S-I-N…This coming from a woman who’s traveled the world, been paid handsomely I might add, to sing for some of the worlds most influential people.

It was a sad moment for me realizing how little I thought of myself and my voice.

**

What I love to do is sing. What makes me forget the struggles of my life, the incessant whining of my ego and the sadness of the world is singing. It brings me such a deep peace and fills me with a joy that is indescribable.

Why would I neglect myself of this gift?

Looking back, I’ve mostly lived my career from the bleachers, through others and have felt a great deal of resentment and jealousy most of the way through. Recently, I had the privilege of seeing John Legend at Madison Square Garden with my sister and literally broke into tears…not of joy, but sorrow for that frustrated singer inside that’s been dying to break out of the prison I’ve locked her in. My sister looked at me in horror once she saw what was going on. I told her it was too painful to see someone so in their element. I wanted this for myself.

I’ve always known that to have any true success (read-fulfillment) I have to put myself in the game, but I have cowered away from it because Who do I think I am? Do I really think there’s something special about my voice? I can’t even hit those notes the way they’re supposed to be sung? The music industry isn’t for people like me.

The list goes on and on.

I’m really tired of the old story I keep telling myself like a broken record. Because I haven’t had any formal education in the art of singing, I can’t be legit. Every time I’ve walked past Julliard to copy sheet music or check out cd’s at the Library of Performing Arts at Lincoln Center this summer, I feel a pain in my gut. If I could get into Julliard, then I’d be a real singer. People would take me seriously.

I’ve got to take myself seriously.

Why would anybody else if I can’t even give myself that respect? I’ve also realized I’ve negated something equally important. My experiences and my desire.

It’s simply not true that if you graduate from a school in a particular discipline you are automatically capable of doing that discipline with mastery. I graduated from UC Berkeley with a better than average GPA in Applied Mathematics and can honestly admit that I am a pretty lousy mathematician.

**

We’ve always sung as a race. It’s how we communicate, how we emote. I don’t think ancient peoples decided they shouldn’t or couldn’t sing because they hadn’t gone to some program that told them it was okay to open their mouths. This is in no way a discredit to institutions like Julliard, I definitely see the value of them and would love to study more to hone my craft, but what I mean is that it isn’t the only way we arrive.

I’ve taken countless classes at community colleges, university extension programs to simply improve how I form a note. I’ve studied with a plethora of voice teachers in all kinds of styles including jazz, broadway and even opera. I’ve explored different kinds of singing from scatting to a capella circle singing to choirs. I’ve traveled around the world performing to crowds in New Delhi, Beijing, Amsterdam, Paris, Vientiene, San Francisco and my hometown of Los Angeles.

People come to me after performances and tell me how moved they are. Some simply stand in the periphery to be able to continue the experience for just a little bit longer. People are changed by my singing and it’s time I really allow myself to get this.

**

The point is, I am a singer. We all have our roads to travel and lord knows I’ve traveled mine seemingly without a map, with a flat tire, with a destructive hitch hiker I all to willingly picked up…on the side of the road…early on in my travels. But god damn it, I am a singer.

Singing is more than how a person looks, or the notes they make, or how they phrase a lyric. It is an expression of energy, a release of love that pours from the mouths of people who are willing to surrender to its power. It rings through the ears into the hearts of its listeners. It is a force that connects us to our histories, to each other.

I can’t sing like anyone else because I am not anyone else. I can only sing in that unique way that is me. In embracing this fact and letting go of the false ideas that I have to sound a certain way, I’ve found real freedom in my voice.

I like my voice and I think my voice likes me better when I get out of its way and let it be what it was intended to be.

Uniquely itself.

when inaction becomes intolerable. July 17, 2008

My dad asked me yesterday why I don’t sing anymore.  He said there was one point when I was really working on my career- I was out getting gigs, I recorded two albums and then…I just seemed to stop.

 

As much as his words burned, I did appreciate him noticing.  I don’t think he’s 100% accurate in his assessment of what I am doing, but, to be fair, if I looked at my career from an outside perspective, he wouldn’t be that far off.

 

I don’t know exactly why I’ve hit a wall with this career thing.  It could be that I moved to San Francisco from Los Angeles.  It could be that I got married and there’s been a lot of emotional adjusting going on in my life.  It could be that I am currently in a master’s program (not accredited- my dad will have you know!) and I am doing a lot of deep work that takes a lot of my energy.

 

I think these are all true to some degree.  I think what’s more true though, is I am afraid, or maybe just lazy.  It’s something to do with me not wanting to go through the bull shit of convincing musicians who have to make a living just like the rest of us…well, maybe the rest of YOU, that I am worthy of their time and creative energy.  Maybe it has to do with being tired of feeling like anything worth getting is somewhere outside of myself.  Maybe it’s that I am tired of feeling like other people hold the key to making ‘my career’ happen.

 

It’s really all daunting.  I think earlier in my career, I was naïve. I think I liked singing for the sake of singing (and what’s really funny, is that I am a much better singer now, than I ever was).  That’s what I’ve been realizing.  I want to get back to that place where I sing because it makes me happy.  I sing because it makes other people happy. I sing because singing is good for the soul.

 

I’ve been learning in my master’s program that I am responsible for myself, no one else is.  I can play victim, or I can play empowered.  I think there is a bit of me sitting on the side of the pool thinking the water is too cold to jump into again.  So it’s not that I am playing victim, it’s that I am not yet willing to commit to the work required (the exposing myself to the freezing cold water, if we’re sticking with the pool analogy).  It’s really simple.

 

But when does wading on the sidelines get old.  It’s not yet old enough.  I don’t like who I am as I watch myself not put myself out there in the world.  Funny thing is, I’ve been so caught up in wanting to be paid for what I do, wanting people to respect my art, wanting to respect myself, that I have turned down quite a few gigs because they didn’t pay enough or because they didn’t seem ‘worthy’ of my time or talent.

 

I sing because I love to sing. I have forgotten that.  How would I look if I just sang for pure joy and didn’t care if anyone paid me or not?  How would I look?  What a question.  That’s a big clue right there.  How would I feel if I sang for free or very little pay because someone asked me to?  I think I would feel great in the moment of singing and I think I would feel pretty shitty for not being paid and not being brave enough to ask for what I want or say what I feel I am worth.

 

Oh, my.  It’s like the rabbit hole keeps getting deeper and deeper with questions.  I believe it’s great to analyze, but there comes a point too, where analysis gets sticky and action is its only remedy.

 

Point taken.

 

Peace.

when they come, bill them. July 15, 2008

I had them in the palm of my hands. As they chatted quietly in the first few bars of the piano introduction, they stopped all together and became a part of the song the moment the first few words resonated out of my mouth.

I love to sing. I love to perform.

I notice a great deal of frustration showed up for me last night. Not with the audience, not with the music, not even with myself, the frustration showed up when I think about how much in love I am when I sing, and how much others are feeling that love within themselves when I sing, yet, I seemingly can’t find work that pays me anything decent. Anything worthy of the talent god has bestowed.

I check in with myself and ask, ‘is it my ego that gets in the way?’ It could be. Sometimes I notice I compare what others bring to the musical table and I think, well I am bringing a deeper level of that. That is ego I admit, and even still, it feels right.

Is it that I am just not that good? And in the moments when I can be real with myself, give myself the credit we all inherently deserve, I know that is not a valid question. I feel amazing when I am performing. I see and feel how people are mesmerized by the energy we are riding on. This question serves no purpose beyond wanting to rationalize the irrational.

Singing is a gift from god. I believe that I have been given this gift to share with the world. My ego gets in the way I believe when the feelings show up of ‘I should be paid for this so that I can do it and not take away the gift I am here to give by getting a day job so I can pay my bills.’

As I typed the last sentence, I noticed the words ‘should’, I should be paid and ‘gift I am here to give’, indicating that I give it away. This sentence sums up the upset I experience around singing. I love to do it. Yet, do I give it away? Do I stop caring if people pay me? Do I surrender to the fear that people will take advantage of me for being so generous with the gift and just give it away in the face of fear?

Maybe.

Last night as I drove home from the soiree feeling enthused with song and frustrated with anxiety, Rich shared some beautiful words with me that his mentor shared with him. He said do what you love and when they come, bill them. I like that. It frees me up to just trust that I love singing and because I love it so much, people can’t help but be drawn in to what I am doing and eventually pay me.

I can hear my ego steaming up again saying, ‘yeah, but you’ve already been paid for what you do, why do you have to go backwards and not be paid AGAIN?’ I have to admit, it’s a valid question. And truth be told, I had an opportunity earlier this year to go sing in Beijing, China- I would be paid, I would be treated as a professional- but I chose not to take that job for many reasons, one including timing not being right, so it’s a matter of doing what I love and knowing that life is new everyday. Yes, you were paid before as a professional and yes, now you’re reinventing yourself as an artist and getting clear on how you like to perform, what you truly love to sing, what kind of musicians you really connect with and all these quests require time, require patience and require possibly not being paid in the present moment.

I can hear that. C’est la vie. Which reminds me…I could go to Paris and sing there…something to think about.

Peace.

discipline. July 14, 2008

This weekend was one of excess, debauchery, joy, friends, service and movement. I enjoyed it thoroughly and remembered what it felt like to be young, carefree and spontaneous. I am 33 years old. And somehow, I bought into the idea that I can’t do these things at an accelerated level. I think it helped my partner was away for the weekend. He is a great man, and I recognize I fall into that self-made trap of ‘I have a partner now, everything I do must involve him.’ I liked that it didn’t. He was definitely part of the festivities on Saturday night, but he was only a small part of the entire weekend and I appreciated that.

School will start again this Friday and continue for 6 days. I am excited to return to USM and the energy field that is present there. I am also aware that I have had such resistance to completing the reading. There are things still on my next-actions, monthly strategies for success list that I haven’t completed…on purpose it feels like.

It is what it is. But it is also something that is present in my mind.

What is this entry about today? How does it tie into my career?

What shows up when I ask that question is discipline. I appreciate having discipline most days because on those days when I completely abandon my intentioned agenda, I do not fall into the hole of self-hatred or the vicious cycle of ‘I’m never going to be able to count on myself. See-look at the evidence.’

In being able to have successfully got up every morning last week and write for an hour, I had discipline. It felt great. And, yesterday, I was flexible with the schedule. I had such a night on Saturday that I decided to let myself sleep in on Sunday, as long as when I did get up, I’d do my writing. And I did. I also chose to eat whatever I felt like yesterday, instead of the vegan diet I’ve maintained throughout the last 6 weeks. It was fun- ice cream, pizza, a big chocolate chip cookie and we can’t forget the cheesecake. I noticed I felt uncomfortable (I still do this morning), yet in this moment, I know that I enjoyed being able to and now I want to eat vegan again today.

So, in relation to the career I am building in this moment, I recognize discipline is a necessity for me feeling like I have a handle on it. It’s such a vague, ethereal career choice.

A person who collaborates with amazing musicians to create music that raises the vibration of the planet.

Yet, I still know it requires discipline. There are concrete steps I can take to move it so that I meet the best musicians.

QUICK INTERJECTION: I just remembered the amazing jazz musician who I had the honor of speaking with on Friday said ‘the people in my tribe that I am looking for (these musicians for one) are out there looking just as hard for me’. That really settles my soul.

There are concrete steps I can take to get a booking agent, to book shows, to build a fan base, to tap into the abundance flow of money coming into my pockets.

All these steps and the many I didn’t list, require discipline. And if a day shows up where I don’t want to do the work, then I feel like that is okay because I see the results of the days before and the days after. It’s a great gift to give myself- this discipline thing.

I like it.

Peace.

self-judgment on saturday morning. July 12, 2008

For a woman who is studying the ways of being full of love and compassion, I am at a loss when it comes to judgment.

I have a lot of it.

I use it against myself and others a lot. It leaves me trapped, caught up in them and without a way to truly let others be themselves and me, be me.

I wrote a piece earlier this morning about sexuality and whether or not god would have us feel so tortured or trapped around it. I came to the conclusion that god would not do this to us, but we would. Society would. Our own private thoughts would.

In writing the piece, I realized how much judgment I carry specifically on this topic, but on so many topics. I spoke yesterday to an amazing musician who has traveled the world to perform. We talked about artistry. We talked about knowing the truth of your heart. We talked about following our gut instinct. I knew all of what she shared was true for me, yet here I am this morning writing this piece about self-judgment.

I want to be gentle with myself this morning. It was hard enough getting out of bed on a Saturday morning at 6:27am. It was even harder leaving my partner who was warm, loving and wanting to make out. But I did get up because I was more afraid of what I might do to myself mentally if I didn’t. I imagined I would judge myself the entire day.

I realize I work with the ‘all or nothing’ mindset and it just does not serve me. It’s like setting myself up to fail. I do not believe I am someone who can sustain commitments to myself or to others…

This piece is hard to write.

So, since I have that belief about me, it feels really overwhelming when I even just think about keeping a commitment to myself or someone else. How can I have a career, how can I be on purpose when I can’t keep my word? I will start a project, yes. I will get involved for a period of time, yes. But I won’t follow through. (At least in the past I haven’t.)

I think it important that I set a time line on this project, three months. I think it important because the idea that I would have to keep this commitment indefinitely feels awful. Feels like a trap and feels like I’ve set myself up for failure before I’ve even begun.

This all relates to more than my personal life. Actually, is there any other kind of life? But in saying this, I know that it expands to my career, my voice, my journey down this road.

I am blessed I know. I am also human.

Peace.

it’s never really about YOU. July 11, 2008

What can I say today? I feel like I’ve taken some pretty big steps on this path towards career in music. I know that the way to be playing music is to actually play music. It’s really that simple. I am attempting to really put into practice the belief I’ve recently been reminded of- I am Source. So I am being much more proactive with my life and the opportunities that arise.

In meditation this morning, I put energy on each situation that I felt like I couldn’t necessarily move or change, and I brought it back to these are old beliefs I’ve had and now, with this new found, deeper knowing that I am Source, I changed the picture in my mind. That felt really great. So, in making this book of our travel photos I saw myself having fun with it, knowing exactly how to arrange the photos and going with the flow of it all. In getting ready to speak to a woman who has had a successful career this morning, trusting that I don’t have to direct the conversation and I can just surrender to the flow o fit and know that it will be perfect. Also, I had a vision in meditation about meeting the producer of the Marvin Gaye movie for lunch. That was a biggie. The thoughts of ‘what the fuck!’, ‘why would he say yes?’, and ‘you are probably bugging him by doing that’ all showed up and I simply said, these are thoughts of the past that no longer serve me and I can choose differently. I am source remember? It was cool.

It’s been an interesting four days of commitment to myself. Just the simple act of committing to waking at a specific time and writing for one hour a day has made a huge impact. I am really grateful for the inspiration to do this.

On another note, I had a great time last night with a friend from my master’s program. I am getting an M.A. in Spiritual Psychology. We talked about family, life, loss, change and I really loved how we opened up with each other. It’s been a slow process with him for me because when I meet someone I adore, I feel like I want to be their best friend instantly. That doesn’t really work for people who are private with their life details and guarded around certain issues.

I understand it and at the same time, there were moments in our experiences together where I took it personal because it felt like he didn’t trust me to hold him in his sharing. I do understand that now and he has given me the gift of a beautiful lesson in not taking things personally.

He shared some of his life with me last night. I am so grateful. And I have a clearing around putting everything into perspective. I do not have to take ANYTHING personally ever. Seriously. People are so deep, so intertangled in the webs of their lives and if I walk around thinking that the reason they don’t do x,y,z is because of me, I’ve got another thought coming quickly around the corner to remind me that I have no idea what’s truly going on for them and there’s a 99.9% chance that it’s got absolutely nothing to do with me.

So today, I email the producer and invite him to lunch when I am in L.A. I call this master jazz vocalist and know that I can be me- the real me in our conversation. And, even though my photo book is inanimate. I trust that the process in putting it together is a graceful one.

Even joyous. Peace.

being Impeccable with my word. July 10, 2008

Yesterday was a miracle. I haven’t experience a day like that in a long ass time. I was inspired to work. I was inspired to write a new biography, a new cover letter that had heart and I worked as if there was no tomorrow. Here I am in tomorrow and I am wondering how that all happened?

I made a vow three days ago that I would wake up every morning for 3 months at 6:15am. I would commit to meditating for at least 10 minutes and I would commit to writing for at least 1 hour. It was amazing. Yesterday I continued on writing and creating and working till about 5pm. I took breaks here and there, but not because I wanted to, but because my body was tired. My eyes would feel heavy staring at my computer screen, my stomach would grumble because I was hungry and my body got agitated because it wanted to work out.

I loved it.

I continued to say to myself throughout the day, I AM SOURCE.

There’s a little voice inside of me saying ‘can you really keep this up for 3 months?’ I sometimes don’t know how that could even be possible. But in making the commitment, I remember Rich saying, the worst that can happen is you’ll get done an hours worth of work each day…so even if you do nothing else the entire day, you’ve done that one hour.

Being in a career field such as performer, singer, writer, I have come to realize that I must depend on myself, my being SOURCE, to move towards accomplishing my life’s work. I spent a lot of time yesterday writing to booking agencies and singers with accomplished careers to see if they’d be my mentor. Although I have a really hard time asking for help, I know that it is the only way I am going to be able to move forward.

Actually, I take that back.

It’s not the ONLY way, but it’s a way that feels like it could be really informative.

I already heard back from one artist whose career I really admire. Her people said she’s super busy with a rigorous tour schedule through to the new year. I heard that, but didn’t get dissuaded- which felt great. I think just the act of asking, just the act of creating the letters, just the act of believing, if even for only a second that it might happen, is enough to get things going. They may not look like how I envision them, but something is happening.

When I got out of bed this morning at 6:26 (I wake at 6:15 and promised myself I’d be out of bed by 6:30), I looked in the mirror and noticed bags under my eyes. I was shocked. I haven’t seen those in a while. And not that they are a good thing, but the fact that I haven’t seen them in a while tells me that I haven’t really been getting up early.

Before this commitment to myself, I’d wake up when I wanted. If I felt sad, or unsure of what to do with the day, I’d stay in the bed even longer. I had no responsibility to myself. It felt awful, but it felt like the thing I knew how to do.

I went to a new spiritual center this past weekend and the speaker talked on The Four Agreements, which is a great book. So simple. Yet so profound. He spoke on the first agreement, which is be impeccable with your word.

For as long as I can remember in my not so distant past, I have not been able to keep my word to myself, hence, to others as well.

I felt like I knew what he was talking about – but it went deeper than the words that come out of your mouth. He took it all the way to being real and in alignment with your intention. That is your true word. So if we’re living out of alignment with our heart’s desire, then we are not being impeccable with our word.

And here I was thinking all this time, Carlos Miguel meant if you say you’re going to take out the garbage, then you should take it out to be in agreement with yourself.

It’s so much deeper than that and I really got the impact of it. Me saying I want a career as a performer who travels the world, who raises the vibration of others, who engages with each person I play with and play for with love in my heart and a real sense of connection is pretty serious. And me laying in bed and contemplating how I am not enough, or not talented enough, or too needy, is not being in alignment with my intention, my life’s work, my purpose.

I get it. And maybe that’s why I’ve been able to get up for the last three days. I see the bigger picture now. I am about making music- not just sounds, but vibrations in this world that influence…and how I want to be influencing is not in a negative or lower frequency than the world already operates at.

I get it. Peace.

Using my gifts for more than personal gain. July 9, 2008

Today I wake with a knowing that I have work to do. And the beauty of this knowing is that it’s not just for me.

I notice I get caught up in worrying about what people will think of me, how will they perceive me, judge me and I usually end up getting stuck in that moment. But today as I meditated I got clear on a part of what I am to be doing.

The singing and performing and selling of albums and even the world notoriety all has purpose beyond itself. I had a vision today of a camp experience for young people where they have the opportunity to learn some of the life skills I’ve been blessed to learn throughout these 33 years. By no means do I have them down pat, but I do have access to them and whenever there is an opportunity to practice them explicitly, I will do that.

I see young people gathering in a safe space where I will provide them with information on how they might chose to look at life, I will provide them exercises and activities where they can begin to let go of that hardened external shell and experience living in a more expressive, loving place. They will be filled with joy, encouragement, and know that they are supported by a source greater than their moms, dads, siblings, relatives.

They will know that in connecting with other young people and people in general, they are always with family.

I like this idea because it’s something that has shown up for me a lot since I’ve been back in the states. I live in San Francisco and what I’ve seen of this city is beauty and ugliness. One might say it’s all in the observers mind what the observer sees and I am willing to accept that, but in being in this city for about 10 months now, I’ve noticed I have to look pretty hard to find a black person who is not looking through the recycling bin, lounging on a street corner for hours, yelling obscenities on the streets. (Again, I am saying I see this more, much more in fact, than I see someone who feels like part of the society I live in.) I am speaking of the area where I live, and that is close to downtown, SOMA, the Tenderloin, the Mission, the Embarcadero, etc.

It pains my heart knowing that most of the other black people in the city that I’ve experienced are poor, uneducated and living on the streets or in public assisted housing. I want to do something about it.

I’ve thought about working with adults and I definitely may do that- but in all honesty, I am not yet ready to approach the adult black folks living close to where I live. I am not yet ready to approach the man yelling at me for not wanting to engage in conversation. I am not yet ready to approach the man calling a black woman a bitch who will spread her legs for a white boy, but not for a black man. (This happened at Union Square- a black woman visiting from Seattle was chillin’ in the sun and this homeless guy came over to her and started berating her for not giving him some spare change. It was awful and I can only imagine horribly shocking and shaming for this young black woman trying to enjoy her afternoon because it was shocking and I had to work at it not being shaming for me.)

But I do see myself working with black adults living in other parts of the city. It is my joy and it’s really terrifying to me- I believe that’s why I’ve had this idea for so long and haven’t yet acted upon it. What do I really know? I am so done with these questions, but they still show up from time to time.

I imagine working with young people might be a great way to start.

I could go on for hours about how I feel life isn’t fair to a lot of folks. I could. And many people would agree with me. But working from that perspective that someone is owed something beyond their life doesn’t work anymore for me. I have said, it sucks and it’s not fair and gotten angry and pissed off when I experience people in this state, yet that doesn’t change the fact that it is the way it is. I take responsibility in this moment for how I am feeling and if I don’t like it (which I don’t), then I want to do something constructive about it. I am able bodied. I am brilliant. I am courageous. I am creative. I am resourceful. I am loving. So there’s nothing to stop me.

I imagine people in San Francisco would flock to give generously to this effort. I imagine I would be much more proactive about getting gigs, voice students, creativity clients, selling albums and t-shirts if I was doing it to make this camping experience for young black people a reality. Let me look at this gift of voice I have as a tool to help change the world. I’ve always wanted to be a UN Goodwill Ambassador and this might be one of my very first missions…should I choose to accept it.

Peace and Blessings.

I am. July 8, 2008

I had an amazing experience yesterday with my new friend Boris, who is an artist, creative and booking agent of change. (I made that last one up.)

We talked about life, the cosmos, spirit, source, divinity and truth. It was one of those conversations, that I have too rarely, that left me feeling filled, overjoyed, speechless and asking myself not to judge myself. That showed up because I did feel speechless a lot of the time during our connection and my ego brain felt like I needed to respond in words in order for him to know that I got what he was saying. But truth be told, I was vibing with him the entire time. Inside my body I was saying I love you. We are connected. So I know that we were and I simply had to truth that he was receiving the message.

I woke up yesterday at 7am. I wanted to go to the gym before I met up with Boris. I couldn’t seem to get out of bed though. I felt lethargic, I felt a little bit hopeless and my mind was racing from the moment I opened my eyes. Those mornings are tough. But I did what I could to help myself keep perspective. I did what I could to release the judgment I had around me not going to the gym and I did what I could to make it meaningful and feel good. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I had a moment of conscious connection with spirit where I got the message, ‘your purpose is to love’. It was that simple.

As I got out of bed slowly at around 918am, I remembered that that message was delivered. It felt great knowing that because I stayed in bed I was able to receive such a gift from spirit.

Boris said something yesterday which I think I’ve heard before but had forgotten for the moment. He said ‘you are source. Everything that you want comes from Mind.’ He said, ‘even the Universe is a construct of the mind.’ That blew my mind. I love it when new ideas blow my mind. It reminds me that there is something for me to discover on this journey. It strengthens my curiosity.

Even the universe is a construct of Mind.

What does this statement offer me? The real question is, what doesn’t it offer me? I am so enthused to remember this truth. This simple statement basically says, I can create anything I want in this life. I am creator. If the Universe is a construct of the mind, and to me, the universe is the biggest thing out there! Then, everything, wealth, jealousy, career, how I am in a situation, is a construct of Mind. I love it. There is so much freedom in these words. So much room to be me and to create whatever I want for my life.

It’s like walking into a restaurant like Jerry’s Deli where the menu is ridiculously enormous! Enormous. I can have whatever I want. What do I feel like today? Shall I have a light and healthy life today? Or shall I have a heavy and thick experience? Shall I order a serving of abundance and gratitude? Or shall I have despair and judgment?

The point is, no matter what, I get to decide how my life experience is going to be because to put it simply, I create it. I am Mind. I am Choice. I am Spirit. And in being reminded of this, I get that the reason Brandon doesn’t call me to work with me is because I am holding him in a light such that he won’t. The reason I feel super anxious about the producer forgetting about me and not calling me for casting is because I am holding him and the Marvin Gaye experience in that light. The reason Rich is weak and gives way too much advice that he should take himself is because I am holding him in that light. The reason I feel super frustrated with my career and feeling on purpose is because I am choosing to look at myself and my life that way.

You get the picture.

This is freedom. Freedom from my own bullshit I’ve been caught up in. Freedom from thinking that abundance is outside of me. Freedom from buying into the mistaken belief that I need someone else to do something for me instead of trusting that I source everything that is to manifest in my life.

I love that. In this moment I get it. And I imagine in a few seconds, I will forget it again simply because I have been walking the earth for the last 33 years with this mentality that I am sourced from an external force.

Maybe I wont’ forget it. Because as I type this sentence, I remember that I am Mind. I am Source. I am.

Peace.

how does an artist stay motivated to be an artist? June 12, 2008

i have recently come to realize that i am an artist. that’s what i do…yet, i’ve noticed a great deal of frustration around this label. it’s been quite the challenge for me to own being an artist and also live with the fact that in order to activate my ‘artist’ship, i need other artists to participate.

talk about surrender…

i’m coming to the conclusion that in surrendering to music, i am also surrendering to needing other people. that’s a hard one to swallow…because what it means is that in order to do what i’ve been sent here to do, i need other people…

i am like an inert gas that needs some other element (i didn’t study chemistry in college…so don’t hate, go with the metaphor) to activate itself…

now that’s true surrender.

so…with this realization,

i am choosing to make music with other musicians. to collaborate. to co-create. i don’t want to be the ‘monique debose’ show although my ego sometimes disagrees with that…

ideally, i’d love it if i connected with three amazing musicians who were on the same page that i’m on.

*we wanted to make music because it felt good to us and we knew it was a part of our journey here.

* we were totally down with getting the music out to the world (as large an audience possible) because we knew when people heard the music and experienced the connection the four of us had to each other, the music and soul, they wouldn’t be able to resist it.

*we loved bouncing ideas off of each other and had a real commitment to creating and exploring together.

that’s what i am talking about…man, just writing it feels great.

that’s my first topic of discussion.

peace.