My dad asked me yesterday why I don’t sing anymore. He said there was one point when I was really working on my career- I was out getting gigs, I recorded two albums and then…I just seemed to stop.
As much as his words burned, I did appreciate him noticing. I don’t think he’s 100% accurate in his assessment of what I am doing, but, to be fair, if I looked at my career from an outside perspective, he wouldn’t be that far off.
I don’t know exactly why I’ve hit a wall with this career thing. It could be that I moved to San Francisco from Los Angeles. It could be that I got married and there’s been a lot of emotional adjusting going on in my life. It could be that I am currently in a master’s program (not accredited- my dad will have you know!) and I am doing a lot of deep work that takes a lot of my energy.
I think these are all true to some degree. I think what’s more true though, is I am afraid, or maybe just lazy. It’s something to do with me not wanting to go through the bull shit of convincing musicians who have to make a living just like the rest of us…well, maybe the rest of YOU, that I am worthy of their time and creative energy. Maybe it has to do with being tired of feeling like anything worth getting is somewhere outside of myself. Maybe it’s that I am tired of feeling like other people hold the key to making ‘my career’ happen.
It’s really all daunting. I think earlier in my career, I was naïve. I think I liked singing for the sake of singing (and what’s really funny, is that I am a much better singer now, than I ever was). That’s what I’ve been realizing. I want to get back to that place where I sing because it makes me happy. I sing because it makes other people happy. I sing because singing is good for the soul.
I’ve been learning in my master’s program that I am responsible for myself, no one else is. I can play victim, or I can play empowered. I think there is a bit of me sitting on the side of the pool thinking the water is too cold to jump into again. So it’s not that I am playing victim, it’s that I am not yet willing to commit to the work required (the exposing myself to the freezing cold water, if we’re sticking with the pool analogy). It’s really simple.
But when does wading on the sidelines get old. It’s not yet old enough. I don’t like who I am as I watch myself not put myself out there in the world. Funny thing is, I’ve been so caught up in wanting to be paid for what I do, wanting people to respect my art, wanting to respect myself, that I have turned down quite a few gigs because they didn’t pay enough or because they didn’t seem ‘worthy’ of my time or talent.
I sing because I love to sing. I have forgotten that. How would I look if I just sang for pure joy and didn’t care if anyone paid me or not? How would I look? What a question. That’s a big clue right there. How would I feel if I sang for free or very little pay because someone asked me to? I think I would feel great in the moment of singing and I think I would feel pretty shitty for not being paid and not being brave enough to ask for what I want or say what I feel I am worth.
Oh, my. It’s like the rabbit hole keeps getting deeper and deeper with questions. I believe it’s great to analyze, but there comes a point too, where analysis gets sticky and action is its only remedy.
Point taken.
Peace.
