I had them in the palm of my hands. As they chatted quietly in the first few bars of the piano introduction, they stopped all together and became a part of the song the moment the first few words resonated out of my mouth.
I love to sing. I love to perform.
I notice a great deal of frustration showed up for me last night. Not with the audience, not with the music, not even with myself, the frustration showed up when I think about how much in love I am when I sing, and how much others are feeling that love within themselves when I sing, yet, I seemingly can’t find work that pays me anything decent. Anything worthy of the talent god has bestowed.
I check in with myself and ask, ‘is it my ego that gets in the way?’ It could be. Sometimes I notice I compare what others bring to the musical table and I think, well I am bringing a deeper level of that. That is ego I admit, and even still, it feels right.
Is it that I am just not that good? And in the moments when I can be real with myself, give myself the credit we all inherently deserve, I know that is not a valid question. I feel amazing when I am performing. I see and feel how people are mesmerized by the energy we are riding on. This question serves no purpose beyond wanting to rationalize the irrational.
Singing is a gift from god. I believe that I have been given this gift to share with the world. My ego gets in the way I believe when the feelings show up of ‘I should be paid for this so that I can do it and not take away the gift I am here to give by getting a day job so I can pay my bills.’
As I typed the last sentence, I noticed the words ‘should’, I should be paid and ‘gift I am here to give’, indicating that I give it away. This sentence sums up the upset I experience around singing. I love to do it. Yet, do I give it away? Do I stop caring if people pay me? Do I surrender to the fear that people will take advantage of me for being so generous with the gift and just give it away in the face of fear?
Maybe.
Last night as I drove home from the soiree feeling enthused with song and frustrated with anxiety, Rich shared some beautiful words with me that his mentor shared with him. He said do what you love and when they come, bill them. I like that. It frees me up to just trust that I love singing and because I love it so much, people can’t help but be drawn in to what I am doing and eventually pay me.
I can hear my ego steaming up again saying, ‘yeah, but you’ve already been paid for what you do, why do you have to go backwards and not be paid AGAIN?’ I have to admit, it’s a valid question. And truth be told, I had an opportunity earlier this year to go sing in Beijing, China- I would be paid, I would be treated as a professional- but I chose not to take that job for many reasons, one including timing not being right, so it’s a matter of doing what I love and knowing that life is new everyday. Yes, you were paid before as a professional and yes, now you’re reinventing yourself as an artist and getting clear on how you like to perform, what you truly love to sing, what kind of musicians you really connect with and all these quests require time, require patience and require possibly not being paid in the present moment.
I can hear that. C’est la vie. Which reminds me…I could go to Paris and sing there…something to think about.
Peace.
