For a woman who is studying the ways of being full of love and compassion, I am at a loss when it comes to judgment.
I have a lot of it.
I use it against myself and others a lot. It leaves me trapped, caught up in them and without a way to truly let others be themselves and me, be me.
I wrote a piece earlier this morning about sexuality and whether or not god would have us feel so tortured or trapped around it. I came to the conclusion that god would not do this to us, but we would. Society would. Our own private thoughts would.
In writing the piece, I realized how much judgment I carry specifically on this topic, but on so many topics. I spoke yesterday to an amazing musician who has traveled the world to perform. We talked about artistry. We talked about knowing the truth of your heart. We talked about following our gut instinct. I knew all of what she shared was true for me, yet here I am this morning writing this piece about self-judgment.
I want to be gentle with myself this morning. It was hard enough getting out of bed on a Saturday morning at 6:27am. It was even harder leaving my partner who was warm, loving and wanting to make out. But I did get up because I was more afraid of what I might do to myself mentally if I didn’t. I imagined I would judge myself the entire day.
I realize I work with the ‘all or nothing’ mindset and it just does not serve me. It’s like setting myself up to fail. I do not believe I am someone who can sustain commitments to myself or to others…
This piece is hard to write.
So, since I have that belief about me, it feels really overwhelming when I even just think about keeping a commitment to myself or someone else. How can I have a career, how can I be on purpose when I can’t keep my word? I will start a project, yes. I will get involved for a period of time, yes. But I won’t follow through. (At least in the past I haven’t.)
I think it important that I set a time line on this project, three months. I think it important because the idea that I would have to keep this commitment indefinitely feels awful. Feels like a trap and feels like I’ve set myself up for failure before I’ve even begun.
This all relates to more than my personal life. Actually, is there any other kind of life? But in saying this, I know that it expands to my career, my voice, my journey down this road.
I am blessed I know. I am also human.
Peace.
