I am. July 8, 2008

I had an amazing experience yesterday with my new friend Boris, who is an artist, creative and booking agent of change. (I made that last one up.)

We talked about life, the cosmos, spirit, source, divinity and truth. It was one of those conversations, that I have too rarely, that left me feeling filled, overjoyed, speechless and asking myself not to judge myself. That showed up because I did feel speechless a lot of the time during our connection and my ego brain felt like I needed to respond in words in order for him to know that I got what he was saying. But truth be told, I was vibing with him the entire time. Inside my body I was saying I love you. We are connected. So I know that we were and I simply had to truth that he was receiving the message.

I woke up yesterday at 7am. I wanted to go to the gym before I met up with Boris. I couldn’t seem to get out of bed though. I felt lethargic, I felt a little bit hopeless and my mind was racing from the moment I opened my eyes. Those mornings are tough. But I did what I could to help myself keep perspective. I did what I could to release the judgment I had around me not going to the gym and I did what I could to make it meaningful and feel good. As I drifted in and out of sleep, I had a moment of conscious connection with spirit where I got the message, ‘your purpose is to love’. It was that simple.

As I got out of bed slowly at around 918am, I remembered that that message was delivered. It felt great knowing that because I stayed in bed I was able to receive such a gift from spirit.

Boris said something yesterday which I think I’ve heard before but had forgotten for the moment. He said ‘you are source. Everything that you want comes from Mind.’ He said, ‘even the Universe is a construct of the mind.’ That blew my mind. I love it when new ideas blow my mind. It reminds me that there is something for me to discover on this journey. It strengthens my curiosity.

Even the universe is a construct of Mind.

What does this statement offer me? The real question is, what doesn’t it offer me? I am so enthused to remember this truth. This simple statement basically says, I can create anything I want in this life. I am creator. If the Universe is a construct of the mind, and to me, the universe is the biggest thing out there! Then, everything, wealth, jealousy, career, how I am in a situation, is a construct of Mind. I love it. There is so much freedom in these words. So much room to be me and to create whatever I want for my life.

It’s like walking into a restaurant like Jerry’s Deli where the menu is ridiculously enormous! Enormous. I can have whatever I want. What do I feel like today? Shall I have a light and healthy life today? Or shall I have a heavy and thick experience? Shall I order a serving of abundance and gratitude? Or shall I have despair and judgment?

The point is, no matter what, I get to decide how my life experience is going to be because to put it simply, I create it. I am Mind. I am Choice. I am Spirit. And in being reminded of this, I get that the reason Brandon doesn’t call me to work with me is because I am holding him in a light such that he won’t. The reason I feel super anxious about the producer forgetting about me and not calling me for casting is because I am holding him and the Marvin Gaye experience in that light. The reason Rich is weak and gives way too much advice that he should take himself is because I am holding him in that light. The reason I feel super frustrated with my career and feeling on purpose is because I am choosing to look at myself and my life that way.

You get the picture.

This is freedom. Freedom from my own bullshit I’ve been caught up in. Freedom from thinking that abundance is outside of me. Freedom from buying into the mistaken belief that I need someone else to do something for me instead of trusting that I source everything that is to manifest in my life.

I love that. In this moment I get it. And I imagine in a few seconds, I will forget it again simply because I have been walking the earth for the last 33 years with this mentality that I am sourced from an external force.

Maybe I wont’ forget it. Because as I type this sentence, I remember that I am Mind. I am Source. I am.

Peace.