I have a real aversion to getting started on the work I say I love. Take writing this article for instance. It’s been on my list of things to do since Monday morning- it’s Thursday, and with a great sense of drudgery, I’ve finally gotten started.
Some folks would say, ‘hey, at least you’re doing it! And you’re doing it within the time frame you set for yourself.’ This is all true. But it just feels like I’ve procrastinated for much of the week. I have. I’ll be the first to admit it. It’s so much easier to check out who’s online on Facebook or check and re-check my gmail account every 4 minutes…just in case I got that one in a million email from the Marvin Gaye producers or a booking agent with some real clout. Usually, it’s something from MarketWatch- a newsletter I subscribe to and never read. I delete the emails I get from them- it gives me something to do.
So here I am. A woman who has every opportunity to make something of herself, at least make something of her day, and yet I find it so challenging that I usually end up surfing the net or catching some z’s.
The fact that I am so willing to say that I am a procrastinator leads me to believe that there is some benefit in being a procrastinator. I must get some value from feeling stressed out and useless and then rushing to do most of the things on my to do lists at the last minute. Maybe it’s that I’m just not challenging myself enough. Maybe the action items on my lists are not what my true purpose is about.
Hmmm…
That’s interesting.
I am embarking on owning my talent, my gifts, my potential. This my friend, is hard work…at least for me. But I suspect that it’s pretty challenging for a lot of us out there. There’s something about owning the truth of our desire, the truth of who we are. That shit is scary.
‘What if no one likes what you bring to the table?’ ‘What if people think you’re a fool?’ ‘What if you actually reach your goal and find out it isn’t as satisfying as you hoped it’d be?’
All these questions leave me feeling afraid…but what makes me feel even more afraid is waking up one day and feeling like I wasted my life. Waking up one day and feeling like I was so close to true fulfillment, true happiness manifesting in physical world reality, and I simply missed the turn and slept right on through the opportunity.
My life is a game. A very scary one at times, but all the same, a game where I can play as hard as I’d like or not play at all. I choose to play on the days when I can muster the strength to. On the days when I really get that there’s nothing hard about it and it’s just fun- I really flourish.
I want more of those days.
Well, even in writing this article I am feeling so much better about myself. It’s so true, the hard part is getting started, everything else is cake…or non-salted peanuts. (I am eating healthier this week.)
Peace.
